31st May 2004

Fear what, who and why? Think about this deeply. Live as if you have to shape your own destiny because you can, but let the consequences of your efforts surprise you pleasantly. If you are in fear, doubt and worry all the time, any surprise could shake you both mentally and physically. We normally call this a "rude shock". But it is actually a pleasant surprise to a fearless person.

-end-

23rd May 2004

I am thinking of gentle, kind nurses. Loving, warm smiles and their infinite magical healing touch. The last time, I consoled myself with poetry. Now, I really need superhuman will to cook properly. And not to daydream, and feel fear, as if someone needed to hold my hand with reassuring eyes to calm me down. I am jumping with anxiety, anger and frustration. Well, not actually jumping. Jumping inside. Yes someone needs to hold my hand. Not to lead me outside to play, but to my desk to study, while the food gets prepared. But I am also thinking of playing football. More than the gentle, kind nurses. Because they won't let me.

-end-

16th May 2004

It's hell of a life trying to balance when to believe in signs, and when to discard them as insignificant; when to believe in destiny and when to trust my free will; when to convince myself that the forthcoming exams would be great anyway and when to be a little nervous to keep me going; when to believe that my left eyelid flickering will make my day and then wonder why it didn't flicker when I had a great day the day before; when to believe that I am protected by guardian angels and when to make a conscious effort to prevent my back problem from getting worse; when to know what and how much to say to a loved one and when to know that a lot need not be said anyway...

Hell yeah. It's one hell of a life. But I prefer this hell to any other. How has your 'hell' been lately? Or can you not decide?

-end-

13th May 2004

Today I was bordering on the insane. I wanted to punch a drunkard, outside my flat whom I knew from last year. It wasn't impulsive. I was very sure, however, that there were two sides to me. One, the civil, disciplined, and perhaps too naive and ignorant me. The other, that was getting ready for action, was the wild, yet concerned social reformer, who idolised Bhagat Singh type of vengeance and social good, i.e. through violence. I got to the door, shouted at him to come to me. He came staggering, eyes glittering of recognition. But I couldn't punch him. I don't have multiple personality disorder. It's simply multiple personality. If it was a disorder, I would have punched him. I spoke to him, asked him about his health, his forthcoming exams, and why was he drunk and shouting. Maybe a stupid question to ask a Glaswegian.

Point is, I have no idea why I just told you what I did.

Maybe the guy whom I swore at next. This guy sitting in my room, at my computer, munching on chips. Maybe he would like to know. Why I kicked him out, and told him to stay away from the flat and me for sometime.

Certain things, no matter how painful, have to be done. For whom, I don't know, but this time, it was surely at the expense of my dormant personality. Yeah, the civil, disciplined..

-end-

Parag Agarwal

8th May 2004

Maybe I must have mentioned in the past something about visualising something, and then watching it occur in reality. Well, the process is a little bit more intriguing...

Stuff that is trivial, and desires that may stem from your subconscious, or at times float at the periphery of your conscious mind (for example, how I wish I could speak to the charming lady behind counter 4) will occur almost immediately, albeit, sometimes, in a way you will not expect. Today afternoon, I had this desire to write an ad-film with a strong social message. But the thought came for a moment. In the evening, someone's nickname on MSN Messenger inspired me to come up with an entire screenplay within half an hour.

Stuff that is important or life-altering (whether in the present moment you know it is important or not does not affect the result) will take a longer time to process and manifest in reality. Those who drink, of course, will claim to see any thing they desire manifest immediately after a few pints. We need to be patient and ready to embrace any surprises in good spirit (no pun intended) and humble gratitude towards this wonderful, powerful law of Nature.

-end-

2nd May 2004

1) Lord, please accept my rebel thoughts and make them your own. Then discard, use or convert them and send them back as rays of sunshine. Spring is upon us, but the sunshine is inconsistent. Do the same for all fellow Glaswegians. I'm sure they will be more than happy to oblige.

2) Try falling in love with someone's innocence, ignorance and stupidity and watch your day expand into an infinite bubble of bliss. Try also to understand this statement fully in its proper context. But do not pull your hair out in frustration if you can't. Simply talk to me.

-end-