28th November 2003

The day after was the day of reconciliation: Maybe I thought I slept well, and maybe because I prayed for all of her sleepless nights, uncertainty and confusion to be mine, was I drained of energy, both mentally and physically. Met the Dilwale Dulhaniya girl as well, and for the first time, actually spoke to her. This time, there wasn't any of that 'Mehendi Lagake Rakhna' music throbbing in my head. Somebody else asked me why I was looking confused. I said a lot was going on. She had read my poetry the night before. She told me there was much more to life than University. I gave a slight smirk. Sure there was.

And with that, I forgot my next line.

-end-

25th November 2003

No sane person walks away from a source of love. But some of us, after having experienced THE source of love, are expected to sacrifice old ones, and move on- not only to experience new ones, but help create them in another place or time. Our lives are not in our hands. Only the understanding of it is.

-end-

Lost and Found Revelation!

16th November 2003

Lord,

give me courage and strength to dispose of and disclose my heart's contents with innate urgency and sense of purpose the next time I set my eyes on the living breathing form

i could not keep this blog consistent, but the above act has to be fresh and vibrant the way it was when it was first conceived. please no chinese whisper type of diminishing marginal productivity.

by the way, did you know,

the cold can mellow you down, and in such sorrow, can drown

the chill can darken your yellow, and in such colour, so shallow

this love can warm you up, and in such drowsiness, just shut up

this love can lighten your soul, and in such weightlessness,

propose.



You have always kept your end of promises. This one shouldn't be any different. But it's not an individual thing anymore na, so I'm telling those who should immediately know. If after today, I keep floating higher, the rest should figure out why.

Cheers mate,

In your service always,

P

8th November 2003

As I write, the moon has already entered the penumbra stage, where it is getting dimmer, the beginning of the lunar eclipse. Strange that only last week, I mentioned D-Day will occur on the full moon day. D-Day is tomorrow. The entire world is elevated. The occurence right now, has not happened in 6000 years. We as humans will develop such high levels of intuition, that the language of love, will truly become the language of the heart. Nothing has to be spoken, everything will be understood. What we desire or visualise or dream about will actually occur. We will only dream of love and God from now on, and when we dream of love and God only, life's jigsaw puzzles will begin to fit in perfectly, in perfect coordination and silent humble sync. The pleasant coincidences and rare tiny miracles of the past, are no longer rare, but instead, bare and for the taking, every single second hereafter...

Outside, the wind is blowing,

the leaves are falling,

autumn is brewing,

and Sunday is coming.

-end-

Today's Outpour with a poem!

7th November 2003

Tomorrow will be a good day, and the day after, even better. Today, I was again in a state of denial, only very recently acknowledging that I can get tired and scared. Is this a nutritional issue? Or is it the weather? But we have mentioned that countless times haven't we? Is this creative writing? Or a stress buster? Is this entertainment? Do people care what I write about? Do I care what people think? Am I sounding depressed? But I'm not usually like that. So it must be entertainment. Today, someone asked me about my past, enquiring about my accent. And then later on, I talked about my future. Write a novel, run a restaurant, produce and direct a multi million dollar film, and drive a red Ferrari. All before 35? Don't know, but right now, I need a punching bag.

-end-

Note: Please let me know if any of this is affecting you. I will totally understand, no reasons have to be given, and if a lot of people feel this way, I'll stop writing this altogether.

The Bonus Poem :) As D-Day is coming closer, I thought, why not share something I wrote sometime back, when I was depressed, sick, and in need of some emotional support. Would you believe it? Well, read the following, and form your own judgements...

Nurse

Slow and deliberate
On a cold lonely night
My back won't budge
And my sickness is such...

I hum a pleasant tune
And chew on fruit and nut
I heave and sneeze again
Ah, this calm yet lazy brain..

I begin to miss you
And in such sickness my love
An imperfect me and timing
But a perfect, sad longing...

Sitting immobile and numb
My back won't budge
But how to reach the payphone?
Can't even cook my dinner, too damn alone...

6th November 2003

You have to be in my shoes to appreciate what a complex world I live in. Hear this straight from the horse's mouth. My immediate short term future is so uncertain, and yet the things I'm doing seem to indicate that I can't really leave Glasgow. I'm surprised, that with such uncertainty, my actions have a cool air of nonchalance dancing about them. How easy will it be to leave it all? Practically speaking, not very difficult, but emotionally, very difficult. This is not a case of ordinary acquaintances anymore, but of a bond yet to be formed. The Divine's direction seems unclear to me as well, because today, pleasant surprises, creepy coincidences and the instant gratification of wishes freaked me to such an extent, that I might just 'pop' any minute. 'Pop' as in leave the city of Glasgow, through liberation or otherwise.

-end-

5th November 2003

I was afraid in a long time about getting too bogged down with work. The sensation came and went so fast, like a skip in one's heartbeat. Although I was diagnosed with irregular heartbeat as a child, I have always resisted initial advice warning me against strenuous exercise. Now, years later, someone's heartbeat will be an important ally. I need to know mine well enough to be able to remain calm when someone else's goes out of control. In principle, that would be wonderful- it gives away the person's emotional state, the way tears and flushed cheeks sometimes don't. You can get that cutting onions.

-end-

4th November 2003

It gets dark so fast, there isn't enough time to take in the sunshine. This makes me a lazy cook most of the time, because the compelling darkness depresses me very fast. The messy kitchen is also a big barrier. But I was determined to cook aloo sabji ka saag today. I slept through my International Marketing lecture, and so was fresh when I entered the kitchen. Once upon a time I was nervous, and now I'm so good, that I can't help smiling. Good people are good cooks, and those willing to follow Mom's instructions closely are even better. God bless all the Moms in the world and their respective masalas.

-end-

2nd November 2003

Today, my life was about to come full circle. Remember this phrase, because it will be significant in the near future. I was to do something I had always dreamt about. But an anti-climax, a beautiful morning, and a near fatal accident later...and what was I to know. The company of friends, the uncertainty of events, and following Renu di's wedding plan meeting, it was to the movies, and before you know it, the bliss of a lifetime in Edinburgh, the elevation by seemingly mere mortals, but actually born to entertain, Ustad Zakir Hussain and Company...the moon was a little more than a half full, but eventually it will be, and by the time it would be, I would have said what I was destined to.

-end-